Be more baby

They can teach us a lot...

“Be more baby!”

Someone said this to me the other day and it has really stuck with me. That we all need to be a bit more baby.

And I know that might sound a bit weird, but bear with me!

Because I think there’s a lot in that idea.

And one of those things is that babies aren’t afraid to be themselves. They have no shame about having needs and expressing that. They have no worry about expressing their feelings, whatever they might be. They cannot be other than perfectly themselves, whatever that is in that moment. They are free.

It’s only later that we learn to adapt ourselves in order to avoid shame, or pain, or punishment. That we hide our needs, because we’re scared of other people’s reactions. That we are given the idea that there is something wrong with our feelings, whatever they might be. We might have been taught that our feelings are ‘too much’, and that only certain ones are acceptable.

And I’m not saying that we should express ourselves the same way babies do - we have got far more options for communication available to us as adults. But we do still have needs and feelings that need attending to - and sometimes we need other people to help with that.

We can’t manage all by ourselves. Babies know that. And - if things in our lives have been just about good enough for us - we know that too. But sometimes life teaches us that needing other people is too scary or dangerous. We might be humiliated or shamed. We might even be punished or harmed in some other way. So we learn to try to manage by ourselves, not to share what’s really going on for us.

Often we don’t even realise we’re doing it…

And babies exist in the present. They notice things, like REALLY notice things. The play of light on a wall. The sound of a particular voice. How their body feels in that moment. All they can do is notice things, and respond accordingly - with curiosity, with alarm, with joy, with overwhelm…

And yes, again - we can’t always stop and notice everything, life has a way of distracting us - but we tend to notice less and less, especially when we’re busy and anxious. We don’t pay attention to our bodies’ needs. We don’t enjoy properly looking at something, or spending a moment just listening. Or noticing our breath. We miss so much, and become less in touch with ourselves. Easier to miss.

Becoming a new mum is a time when our babies can offer us an opportunity to re-learn something. How to be more like them. To notice more. To give up the idea that we can manage by ourselves (motherhood, is a time when we really can’t). To pay more attention to our needs. To allow all our feelings, whatever they are, without shaming ourselves.

It’s all just information.

And I’m not saying that any of that is easy! Especially when life has taught you that it’s scary or dangerous to be yourself, it can feel terrifying to be more baby. It can take a bit of help from trusted people around you, or from a skilled therapist. We need helpful relationships around us to test out this new way of being. Because it will feel scary and different.

You might think you are already fully yourself, but I tend to find that people who describe themselves as people pleasers, as people who need to be busy, as perfectionists, as having had a ‘good’ childhood - scratch the surface and the fear of being fully themselves is lurking underneath.

If any of this resonates, congratulations. Well, sort of. I’m not happy that that’s your experience, but being able to recognise that you need something more, that part of you would like to be more fully yourself, is a big step. A huge step.

The next wobbly step might be to allow yourself to start noticing your feelings. Not to judge them, but just to start tuning into yourself again, after years of being out of practice. They might feel awful or unacceptable, and that’s normal if you’ve had good reason to hide them from yourself or others for a long time. Anger, disappointment, fear, jealousy - these are often the main culprits. But they are just feelings. Information.

You might feel a bit frustrated with this post - lots of ideas and maybe nothing that feels as though it helps you know what to do. I get that - it IS frustrating to want to move forward and not know how to do it. To be shown what things might be like and not know how to get there. My aim isn’t to be frustrating, but the thing is that a post like this can’t show you. It can only give you something to think about. I don’t know exactly what you need, because I don’t know what has happened to you - I can only talk about generalities, but not YOU personally.

That’s why I recommend therapy: having a relationship with someone who is focussing on you and trying to understand what you really need. I can’t do that here.

I’m currently not taking on new clients, but I will always try to suggest someone who might be helpful or give ideas of places to look. Please ask, if that’s something you’re interested in.

Anyway - I hope this has given you some useful food for thought. Now - go - be more baby…

Until next time, take care,

Sarah xx