The 'three wise monkey' approach to spending time with difficult family members.

Set yourself up for success - whatever that means to you.

I was once told a story about how Billy Graham, the famous Evangelist, was asked about why he always shared a room with a male family member or close male friend when he was travelling away from his wife. And he said that he never wanted to even be tempted to cheat, so he made the situation very difficult for him to do so. He didn’t believe in trying to resist temptation, but in avoiding it altogether.

So what’s that got to do with being a parent?!

Bear with me…

The number of people who spoke to me last week about struggling with seeing relatives over the holiday is HUGE. And there was a recurring theme in what I was hearing - that people felt that they SHOULD be able to feel/ cope/ manage better in these situations: that it was somehow their fault that things hadn’t gone as well as they’d hoped. Or that they were really disappointed in how things had gone or how other people had behaved.

And yet, when we look at those situations more closely, they were always going to be really difficult. Hoping that other people will behave differently to how they usually do, or hoping that we will be able to cope ‘better’, is a high risk strategy - especially at an emotionally-charged time such as the Christmas holidays. We’re setting ourselves up for failure, rather than success.

We can have this idea that facing a challenging situation is the way to ‘succeed’ but actually if our goal is to have as good a time as possible, with people that we can find tricky, then removing challenges is maybe the key to ‘success’. Here are some ways of removing barriers.

• Decide what your AIM is for seeing these people.

  Is it so that they can see your baby? Is it so that you can do your ‘duty’? Is it to try to have as pleasant a tine with them as possible? Whatever your aim is can help you decide what is going to help you achieve that aim.

• Stay for as short a time as you can manage.

  We can assume that more time together = more opportunities for good interactions. This CAN be true, but often the opposite is more true, because people are more able to behave well for a short period of time.

• Plan time away from everyone else.

  Even if this is a trip to the shops - take a break.

• Don’t assume your child will be happy to be flexible.

  You don’t need to stick to their schedule, but it’s not fair to expect them to be happy too - it’s just a bonus if they are.

• Take control of what you can contribute.

  Maybe offer to do something for the event right at the start, so you can manage what is possible for you, rather than getting given something that is harder for you to manage.

If the aim is to have as good a time with these other people as possible, then make it as easy as possible to have a good time. Don’t just hope they will behave differently. Set yourself up for success.

I know I’ve been talking about families and in-laws here - but the same can be true of other social situations where you are worried you might feel a bit vulnerable or uncomfortable.

So my suggestions are:

• Be proactive.

• Be realistic about what you can expect from the other people who will be there.

• Set yourself up for success (whatever that means to you).

• Don’t just hope that things will work out.

This can be especially hard when you’re feeling vulnerable, but that might be even more reason why you need to do this to protect yourself, if they people you are with aren’t the right people for you to share your vulnerability with just now. Share those parts of yourself with the people who ARE going to look after you.

I hope this doesn’t sound too bleak - it’s intended as a reminder (to myself as much as anything) that being realistic will help you feel better in the long run, however tempting it is to hope that things will somehow magically be different.

So goodbye for now, and take care,

Sarah x