Why do I feel the need to 'protect' my partner?
And does it actually help?
This is a bit of a longer one than normal (you might want to grab a drink) but it’s something SO big and that so often goes unnoticed until it’s too late that I think it’s worth drawing your attention to.
And its something that I hear so many new mums saying:'
“But I need to protect my partner.”
And I get it, I really do. I felt the same way.
However the more I’ve done this work, the more I’ve realised that protecting our partners, commonly when they’re men but also women, comes from our own societal conditioning and also our own fears.
Does that all sound a bit deep? Ok - let me break it down a little…
Even though things are changing, a lot of us grew up with the idea that the birth mother is naturally the better parent (at least at the beginning) than the partner. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, that idea still permeates a lot of thinking in society and we often don’t notice that how that idea can show up in our own subconscious. Hence we might feel the need to protect our ‘poor’ partner for feeling bad because of their ‘incompetence’.
You’ll maybe have heard the term ‘weaponised incompetence’? Well this is another form of that, where actually you have two people who are possibly equally clueless about what to do with this baby but actually one of them gets a ‘get out of jail free card’ because society considers that they should be less competent or involved. Being a parent is about paying attention, observation and learnt skills, not about gender or giving birth.
But the myth still persists and mothers still protect their partners from the fear of feeling incompetent or overwhelmed (whilst still often feeling incompetent and overwhelmed themselves).
And why do we feel that we need to protect our partners from that?
Well, another lovely bit of social conditioning is at play. This is where we are taught that to be a competent woman means being able to do it all, and not to need other people. This might be combined with the idea that pointing out that your partner needs to do more (as there is now so much more to do) is nagging and (dare I say it) unattractive.
I know - that sounds like such a 1950’s trope, but when we have been brought up in generations where women demanded more and that often resulted in divorce, we have learnt our lesson well. Don’t be demanding or you might be abandoned. That’s a pretty scary thought when you’ve just had a baby and haven’t been this vulnerable since childhood.
“Thanks Sarah, that’s a pretty bleak view,” you might be thinking. “I feel so much worse now.”
OK - so that might all sound pretty rubbish, but here are the bits of good news:
This is not fixed in stone. These patterns can be changed.
Most partners are generally up for a bit more equality. They’ve also been subject to the same social conditioning, so it can be immensely liberating (for men especially) to really take their place in the family.
And just by reading this you’re taking the first step. Because you’re starting to become more aware of the times you might ‘protect’ your partner from the deprivations, frustrations, disappointments and learnings of being a parent.
One of the most common examples is when you protect your partner’s rest before your own, often without even discussing it with them. Or when you always pack the nappy bag for them, so they don’t experience the panic of realising they don’t have an item that they really need when they’re out and about. Or when they express worry about something to do with the baby and you end up doing it for them.
Now I’m not suggesting that you just automatically change all these things without talking to your partner - that would probably just make the problem worse!
But one of the steps that you can take is to start having conversations with your partner about why it’s good for EVERYONE in the family if they step up, including them. It’s quite a shift, moving from a relationship of two people who enjoy each other’s company and love one another but ultimately are as connected as two people walking along side by side, to a dynamic that’s more like a finely balanced ecosystem, where if something affects one part (person) all the other parts are ultimately affected.
Showing your partner that if they become a more competent and involved parent, not only will your child have better outcomes but your relationship is also more likely to survive (did you know that a fifth of relationships fail in the first year after a child is born, according to a study by Channel Mum? Sobering). You are less likely to resent your partner and as a couple you are more likely to have sexual intimacy.
Of course, it might take some sacrifices on your part too. You might have to give up being the matriarch, the power of being the one who everyone defers to. I’ve written a piece here about the dangers of maternal gatekeeping, and why it doesn’t help anyone.
I’m not going to pretend that any of this is easy. We’re talking about trying to become aware of centuries of societal conditioning and come up with a plan to address it in your relationship, whilst sleep deprived and learning about a new person in your life. But it’s worth having an idea about, so you can get curious and decide whether you’re happy with the status quo or not.
Some time ago I was fortunate enough to know someone who - because of an awful series of events - had to pretty much totally rely on her partner to look after their baby for the first 6 months. After that time, they were both pretty much equal parents, albeit with different strengths and weaknesses.
And this woman said she always felt on the edge of the group of mothers she knew. She wasn’t able to bond with them in their resentment of their partners. She was given the idea that something must be wrong that her child preferred both parents equally, because the other mums were surprised and shocked by that, asking if she minded. She was given the impression that she was not a ‘proper’ mum because her partner ‘did so much to help her’.
This woman and her partner had inadvertently challenged the status quo, not necessarily through choice but through circumstance, and were actually very happy with the result. They loved how their family had grown and the closeness between them all, even when they added to their family. The part that was hard for them to deal with was the judgement of others.
Interesting? Well, I thought so. Society struggles with equality, with the idea that men AND women are both of equal importance in this business of parenting (even if what they bring maybe different - and that’s a topic for another post). And that can make it hard for us to find our own ways of doing things.
I’m going to leave this with you for now, as it’s a lot to think about. As ever - I’d love to know what you think or if this resonates for you.
And until next week, take care,
Sarah x
